Mission Statement

Revealed: Aussies' mission statement

Author: Michael Jeh Date: 12 Jan 2008

Michael Jeh’s tongue-in-cheek take on Australia's Spirit of Cricket

Mission Statement: Must win at all costs

Must accept umpire’s decision graciously at all times, especially when we nick it and the umpire does not realise. This does not apply when we claim a low catch — do not accept umpire’s decision for these dismissals because our reputation for honesty and integrity is a well known fact.

When given out to a bad decision, must ensure that we look aggrieved and throw a bat in the dressing room to show disappointment or frustration.

Must ensure someone in the team (preferably wicketkeeper) develops reputation for “walking” so that when he appeals for caught behinds that are clearly not out, we can trade on that reputation.

Do not engage in sledging under any circumstances. Refer instead to “mental disintegration, white line fever or gamesmanship” and then we can do whatever we like.

We will decide what constitutes acceptable boundaries of sledging and the rest of the world must agree to our definitions.

Now that we’ve finally got a black player in our team, we must become extremely sensitive to racist comments. Forget everything we’ve dished out for the last 30 years. Thank God for Andrew Symonds (Roy)!

As per above, we must make sure that when we return to club cricket, we practice our sledging so that we never lose the knack. Symonds won’t play forever and we may not have a black player for another 125 years.

What happens on the field stays on the field (when we do it). Otherwise, it must be reported to umpire or to Mummy.

Must take strong stance against repeat offenders like Harbhajan. Of course, we never sledge… well, we never sledge more than once in our lives (no need to write that last bit down mate, it was just a rhetorical comment).

Keep defending any bad behaviour. Forget Darren Lehmann incident in 2003 where he made racist comment off the field and then claimed it was “frustration” and we all said he was a good bloke. Note: Whilst Roy is in our team, must be extra careful about making racist comments that might be heard (still OK to sledge but be subtle).

Must try not to get upset when someone sledges us back. Remember McGrath vs Sarwan incident when we started crude sledging and then got very angry when he came back with a beauty.

Must take extreme care when dealing with situations involving mobile phones, British nurses, Indian bookmakers or nightclubs. Now that Warney has retired and Punter is captain, no need to worry about these things anymore. We’ve just decided that we’re sensitive now.

Must tell Sreesanth, Harbhajan, Nel etc not to try to play us at our own game. We sledge better than them and we can always report them to the umpire if necessary. Note: Thankfully, Match Referee always believes our version of the story when there is no proof.

Must keep referring to international cricket in the following terms: Tough, uncompromising, a man’s game etc. Captain and CEO must continue to paint Australian ‘manhood’ as defined by these behaviours so that young kids will continue to think that trash talk and sledging is the way to become a real tough man.

Must keep reminding everybody that it’s only Test cricket if it’s played on fast, bouncy pitches. If it spins and we lose (eg: Mumbai 2004), it’s obviously not real cricket.

Must ensure we lose the tag of ‘Ugly Australians’. More Indian commercial endorsements should fix that. Note: Added bonus = more money for me.

Team Goal:

Must not relinquish moral high ground. Our behaviour standards must continue to lead the world. Don't forget, this is the new Australia.

(Phew, glad that's over. This Spirit of Cricket thing is a real monkey on our back. Hey Punter, are we allowed to use that word?)

Michael Jeh is a former Oxford Blue and has played senior club cricket in Australia since 1987. He now works at Griffith University in Queensland. As a dark-skinned, true blue (black) Aussie, Michael’s amusing spoof on Australia’s recent moral dilemma owes a little bit to his own experiences of playing club cricket in Brisbane since 1987. It should be read with a spoon of double standards and a pinch of hypocrisy!